I've been debating on what and how detailed I want to be in this blog since I don't really know who all will be reading it. After a lot of deliberating I have decided to be as open as possible. After all, if someone happens upon this blog by using a search engine then maybe what I have to say will help them.
I've wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. When I was a little girl I always had a doll or ten to take care of. If it was cold outside I would wrap them in a blanket before heading outside. I didn't want them to get cold or sick. LOL My mom even has a picture of us with my dad when he was either going or getting back from hunting, my brothers with their BB guns and me with my doll. I understand they had their guns to be like Daddy. I guess I didn't want my doll left out. I vaguely remember that day. There is another picture of the four of us with a deer my dad had killed. I'm pretty sure that picture has me holding a doll as well. My point being, I was always nurturing something. If it wasn't my dolls it was some form of domestic animal. :-)
People are always curious if Scott and I have kids or want kids. Most who know us know that we have tried, but some don't know the whole story. Others may be curious about the details but too scared they will hurt our feelings to ask. Here is our story...
We started trying to get pregnant as soon as we got married. After a couple of years of nothing I started going to a local OBGYN who did little to nothing to help us. I heard about a fertility endocrinologist in Jackson through family/friends, so we went to see him. Every test taken we had results well beyond average, yet there was still no pregnancy. We had unexplained fertility. We went through so many things. After closely monitoring ovulation and timing everything for just the right moment on our own it was time to go to more extreme measures. We did three IUIs (artificial insemination) using a low dose fertility pill. Each cycle was closely monitored. With each I had no less than five eggs that were perfect sized, and the lining of the uterus was perfect for implantation. Still, no luck. The next step...IVF (invitro fertilization).
We went back to self monitoring, because IVF was way out of our budget. After a year or so of self monitoring we decided it just wasn't going to happen. Adoption started becoming a better looking option for us. Both of us had already discussed our desire to adopt. I had planned from 3rd or 4th grade that I would adopt. I just thought I would have biological children first. We research agencies and found one we felt comfortable with. We started the process and were about half way in when they put us on hold until we had what they desired for us to have in a savings account. Right after they put us on hold we ended up having enough money to pay for either an adoption or an IVF cycle. Since we were on hold we weighed our options. Adoption was really stressful. And although the agency was only doing their job, they made us feel like we weren't good enough to be parents. They repeatedly asked us the same questions over and over and over. It made us feel like they didn't trust us and were trying to catch us in a lie. It was a hard decision to make, and we discussed it ALOT.
In the end we decided to go with IVF and see what would happen. I won't bore you with all the small details b
ut over the course of the cycle I had to suppress my cycle, take a baby aspiring everyday to aid in preparing the uterus for implantation, take shots to prepare the lining of the uterus, stimulate follicle growth, mature the follicles, put hormones into my bod
y that would normally be there if I were to get pregnant on my own, and take estrogen pills. I'm sure I've left something out but it was a lengthy process and everything was on a strict time schedule. Scott and I actually ended up on the side of the highway doing the shot to mature the follicles for retrieval because we had to stick to that schedule. Thank goodness there was no traffic that night!!!
I tried to stay optimistic yet pessimistic enough that if it didn't work I wouldn't be devastated. In the back of my mind I felt it wouldn't be successful. The retrieval process was painful, even though I had a drip to help ease the pain. They ended up retrieving 7 eggs that were viable. They fertilized them and monitored them for a few days, keeping us notified of development. 4 of them fertilized and continued to divide as they should have. They actually gave us a picture of the embryos prior to implanting them into my uterus. Since I knew they were going to do that, I had research what healthy embryos looked like. I could tell mine weren't as healthy as they could have been. All hope was not lost though because sometimes embryos that don't look as healthy result in a viable pregnancy. 3 were implanted, 1 was left in the lab for monitoring. The one never divided past day 3, so it was discarded. If it had continued to divide it would have been frozen for our future use.
Needless to say, IVF did not work. The day we had to go to Jackson for the official pregnancy test I took a home test without letting anyone, not even Scott, know. It turned out negative. The blood work was just a verification process for me. Both of our moms went with us to give us moral support in case we both broke down or to celebrate with us if our test was positive. I was fine with the news we got (as fine as I could be) until we got home. I started cleaning my kitchen (sometimes I clean when I'm upset to get the nerves out of my system) and the tears started coming as I stood there washing my dishes. My sweet, sweet husband came to me at that very moment and held me in his arms. That is when the flood gates opened. I cried forever, he held me and told me he loved me and that we can always try again. He was definitely my rock that day.
I've been fine since. We've discussed what our next option is but we have never had a clear decision in front of us. One day I think one way, the next I think the other way. The adoption process is hard and stressful. Or it was for us. I would like to start that process again, but in the back of my mind I am terrified that no one will think we are the couple for their child. I look at the list of families on the site for the agency we were using and some of the same families that were there when we first started investigating agencies are still there. What if we are never chosen and just continue to wait the rest of our lives? I was assured by my endocrinologist that with adjustment of medications and cycle time our chances of pregnancy would be better, but it is still no guarantee. Do we take that chance again? Will we be throwing money down the drain again? There are so many questions running through my mind that can never be answered without the leap of faith one way or the other. I'm torn. One way to parenthood is no better or worse than the other. Which way do we go?
I will say that I have grown a great deal through our struggles, and I believe Scott and I are closer for everything we have endured. I am generally happy for others who are blessed with an addition to their family, and it is my hope that no one will ever be scared they will hurt my feelings if they have to tell me they are pregnant. I know there have been cases in the past where it terrified people to tell me. Trust me, I'm not as fragile as I sometimes seem. I don't want people to feel sorry for us. Just continue to support us and celebrate with us when we finally come to the day we can announce an addition to our family. I am happy for my friends and family who are blessed with children. I do have a great family. Scott and I, although small, are a wonderful family. Plus, we have a wonderful extended family and great friends surrounding us. Thank each and every one of you for being the person that you are and being a part of our lives.
June 2008 - Class Reunion
Harvest Festival - Dana & Gracie
